The last month of summer was a busy one for our
family. Vacations, camp, visiting
relatives, a mission trip, a day at an amusement park and an evening at a
baseball game – these activities filled the past thirty days of our lives.
These are all good things. All were fun.
Anyone would say that it was a great month.
And it was.
We had fun, loads of time together, and got to experience things we
never had before.
But.
For me, a person who gets energy from downtime and
routine instead of activity, it was overwhelming.
I longed for our quiet home, our own space, for
time spent without having to get ready for the next time away, without making
sure we had everything packed that we needed, without moving on to the next
thing. Throughout that busy month, my
spirit flagged.
During the low times, I complained. I whined. I grumbled like the crankiest crank ever to
crank. I am not a silent sufferer.
Others tired of my crabbiness, as they should. My family chastised me for it. I was hurt, angry. Our time together is a blessing, I knew that. But why doesn’t anybody understand? They all know what kind of person I am.
I withdrew from all but the necessary interaction
with those outside of my family, to spare them my behavior and to hoard precious
breathing room. I was unhappy and felt guilty
over what I’d been saying and how I behaved.
Why am I such a grump? Why can’t
I just get along?
The other day a friend confessed that she was being
disciplined by God for her prideful behavior.
She shared that although she was hurting, she understood why, and she
was brought to tears knowing that God loved her enough to correct her. As I read what she had written, understanding
her words clearly as if they were my own, realization washed over me that a
similar thing was happening in my life. I
was feeling bad because deep down I knew I was missing something. I was instantly thankful to God for putting
this friend in my path. There was no
question that he had sent her.
When feeling overwhelmed the past month, instead of
praying to God to sustain me and enjoying our activities, I wanted to retreat
from them. Instead of calling on his
power to get me through when I felt depleted, I clenched my teeth and powered
through it, head down and mouth open, proclaiming my suffering, making myself feel
bad.
The desire for my way in everything took over. During our time of busyness, I was not
gracious, or kind, or thankful. No
prayers of gratefulness for our blessings fell from my lips. Not one.
Worse is that I didn’t pray for help. I didn’t trust in God’s strength to hold me
aloft, in his ability to bring peace amid what I perceived as chaos. I grumbled and complained and alienated my
loved ones instead.
I wish I could say that I learned my lesson – that I
am moving on from this and never going back to it. But I don’t know this. Busyness will come again. It’s the way the world is, the way our lives
are right now. There is no perfect
balance of activity and downtime to appease my predilections. Life is messy, and can be overpowering in
different ways for all of us.
I hope that I will remember the lesson. God knows that. He knows each of us, what we are like, what
we need. He made us each individually,
tailored to his exact specifications.
And he is always there to sustain us, to give us
what we ask for, and sometimes to send a friend when we are too wrapped up in
our own suffering to ask for help.
*******
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 (NIV)
Let me live so that I can
praise you. May your laws keep me
going. Psalm 199:75 (NIRV)
