For the past four or five years I’ve kept a journal of daily devotions. It’s a good habit that I started for Lent one year to avoid having to give up something that I really enjoy.
Also because I don’t understand how holiness begins with giving up chocolate.
I read a page of a devotional book every day (I read Our Daily Bread, or ODB for short, which reminds me of this rapper in the 90’s named Ol’ Dirty Bastard, and now you know the types of connections that form in my mind), reflect on it, and write about it in a notebook. The reflections aren’t always groundbreaking, nor are most particularly deep or revealing. Many of my thoughts on the devotions are featured here as blog posts.
But recently, eh, I haven’t really been feeling it, you know what I mean?
My good habit has become more habit and less good.
It happens in life: you start out doing something that is good for you, whether putting the effort into a new relationship or exercising or going to church, and eventually you find yourself going through the motions and your relationship stalls, your exercise routine stops yielding results and during prayer time at church you’re looking around to see who else is at church instead of actually praying.
It’s where I’m finding myself lately. Sort of flailing, sort of bored, sort of at a loss for spiritual insight.
My journal (and I feel like this blog, too) reads like a watered-down manifesto of Sunday School lessons: Trust the Lord. Life is hard, but God can help. We need to seek God’s help in everything. Thank you, Lord, for helping me. God is good. God is great. Let us thank him for our food. Amen.
Okay. That last one isn’t in there.
But you get the point – my spirit life is a little meh, a little boring, a little too many words and not enough of anything else.
And I’m having a little trouble getting beyond it.
Usually when a person finds herself stagnating, the natural response is to change it up. Start doing something differently.
I’ve done it before. I’ve changed up the routine, found a new way. But it seems that the more I chase things that are new, the more often I need to find another one. Something isn’t right. It isn’t a good fit. It burns out quickly and I am back at the beginning again.
I don’t want to spend my life chasing new and different. Even “A Relationship With God” is just a thing if you say the words but don’t do anything with them.
Maybe all those devotionals where my only response is “Trust the Lord” and “Seek God” count for something.