School is getting hard in our house.
Where once there were idle afternoons and evenings with no
homework, no material to study for tests, no papers to write, projects to
manage, or chapters to read, now we have it all. Nightly.
No more declarations of “I finished it in study hall.” Teachers are no longer saying “I don’t give
homework” on back-to-school night.
Until this year, school work was so different from when I was their
age. Daily math worksheets, books to
read, reports to write – all of these were normal parts of my day, starting in elementary
school. It continued until my last day
of graduate school.
Now my eldest is juggling math concepts along with social studies
papers, blog entries for language arts, and studying, studying, studying. He’s never done this before. He hasn’t ever brought home much schoolwork.
Now he brings several subjects to study and learn every night. It’s fine.
School is different now. My kids
are smarter than I ever was. I’m not
complaining.
But it’s hard. For all of
us.
Teaching a teenager how to study, how to prioritize assignments,
how to manage time – it’s not for the faint of heart. I know how to do this. He wants to do it himself. I can see the gaps in his efforts. He wants me to leave him alone.
The other night, there was yelling and swearing and general
gnashing of teeth. Yes – we use this
phrase in our house. There was gnashing
of teeth.
I want a do-over. I want
him to go back to elementary school, where things were slower and easier, and he
was more apt to listen to his mother. I
want to have better prepared for this and given him homework to do when the
teachers didn’t, so he could practice the skills he needs now.
More than this, though, I want a do-over on the gnashing of teeth
part. I want to take back the shouting,
my frustration. I want to eat my words,
bitter as they are. I want to have responded
to an assertion of “I don’t have to memorize this” with aplomb instead of an f-bomb.
I
want to be given another chance to shut up, already.
As
I get older, my words haunt me more. They
are the source of my greatest sins. More
than pride, stubbornness, lack of faith – the words I say reveal my heart and
drive my actions, and they are what God uses most to teach me life
lessons. I learn through words, written
and spoken.
And those which
should have been left unspoken.
I can’t count
the number of times I wished for a do-over on situations that end with me
saying words that harm others or show a glimpse of my character that I choose
to keep hidden most times: the rash emotional tempest that shows itself for a
moment in times of extreme frustration and exasperation. As quick as it comes, then it’s gone. But the effects are lasting.
There are no real
do-overs in life. We can’t go back in
time and take back what was said or done.
Once it’s out there, it’s out.
The consequences of our humanity can be painful and cringe-worthy memories
about what we have done, a tarnished impression of our ideal selves that we leave
with others, and wounds that we inflict without lifting a hand.
But we can do
better – there is always another day, another chance for improvement. We can make better choices. We can choose our words and actions more
carefully. We can apologize for our
actions.
When we reach
out to others with humility and sorrow, we show them love. We show them that they are worthy of better
than what we have given them. We say we’re
sorry for our behavior, for our frustration, for the words that hurt. We can ask for another chance.
And we can ask
Jesus for forgiveness. We can ask him to
help us correct our habits, to be more godly.
To love others instead of tear them down.
Even if those we
have harmed choose not to give us another chance, Jesus will come through for
us. Our forgiveness is sure if our
hearts are in the right place, if we believe that we have sinned and that only
he can make it right.
I wish I could
say that I have no need for forgiveness, that I always do the right thing, that
my thoughts and words and actions are always upstanding and holy. But they are not – I need Jesus’ forgiveness
and am so thankful for his sacrifice that wipes my slate clean. I have no illusions about the true effects of
my behavior.
The gnashing of
teeth give it away every time.
*******
When words are
many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. ~Proverbs
10:19