I've had an identity crisis my whole life.
Different
times I thought I was an actor, therapist, academician, businessperson,
comedian – but I was an enigma, even to myself.
I achieved mostly confusion.
I
wasn’t enough of any of these things to be one of them. An aversion to commitment only served to spin
me around in circles. I was jealous of those
who could say “I’m a teacher.” “I’m a
salesperson.” “I’m a musician.” They knew. I
wanted to know. But I couldn’t settle on
one thing. I didn’t make any of them happen.
I
have the unique gift of reading most people really well, but I’m a complete
dolt about myself. All my powers of
discernment – seeing who a person is and what they’re all about – stop at
me. Ultimately, I have no idea what I want or what
I’m doing in the world, nor do I know how I come across, who people think I
am. I just do my little life, twirl in
circles, and watch one year become the next, and the next, and the next. I’m in my head all the time.
Over
time, I’ve become a wife, a mother, a blogger, and other things. But I don’t feel like any of those
things. I feel like these are just
placeholders while my real self forms. I
can prove that I have a husband and children and a blog, but those identifiers
are too much, yet not enough. I’m just…
me.
I
believe in God, and I believe that through our lives, God works to mold and
form us into the person he created. We
can make our own decisions and become a criminal, a liar, and a thief, but he
can use even those roles to point us to him.
Who we are is from him.
When
I start focusing only on my own abilities, God pulls me in. He shows me with a word, a nudge, or even a setback,
that I am here for him, for his glory. I
don’t always show my holiness, and he is always there to remind me of what I
possess. His image. Who I am, and whose I am.
In
high school, my best friend’s mother said that to her when she’d exit the house:
“Remember who you are, and whose you are!!”
My friend played embarrassment when her mother said it in front of me,
and I remember smiling about the cute phrase.
I wasn’t much of a God-fearing teen, but I appreciated it. As we peeled out of their driveway, those
words settled in and I like to think that they kept us from doing things that
we might have done if we hadn’t heard them.
Now,
when my kids go somewhere without me, I say it to them.
God
made each one of us in his image. He
knows who we need to be to bring him glory.
If we allow him into our lives, he can – will – show us who we can be
with his help. With God working in us,
we are even more than we thought, more than we can become on our own. We are his children, able to do amazing
things that we haven’t dreamed of doing.
Knowing
who I am in God’s eyes doesn’t always take away my struggle to find my own personal
identifiers. I still want my own seat at
the table. It’s hard to give that up,
even though it has held me back from settling in, just being his, and working
alongside him instead of under and around him.
We all want something we don’t have.
What I am working on is to just be.
To not worry about or yearn for a name, a title.
After
all, I already have one.
*******
First of all, "dolt" I'd put the laughing so hard I'm crying emoji if I could!! Secondly, Amen!! I'm a lot like this too. I often say that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm pushing 50 here. This so spoke to me. It is a great reminder to be content with where you are today. And that no matter where you are God will use you. Thank you, Andrea!!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. :)
DeleteDolt, hee hee.
I so much identify with this! Your words encouraged and soothed me this morning, in the very exact struggle that I find myself in. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteIt's sooooo good to know when we aren't alone. xoxo
Delete