Before
I accepted Jesus’ gift of salvation, I had trouble enjoying life.
I
lived in fear, sadness, anger, guilt. A
strong victim mentality hindered my growth; I shouldered blame for things I
didn’t do, and spent time feeling sorry about the way I turned out. Time spent covering lies and feeling paranoid
that I’d be found out was significant.
I
wasn’t a criminal, and on the outside I looked perfectly happy,
well-adjusted. Inside was a different
story. I felt alone; there was no one to
forgive me for my wrongdoings, no one to comfort me, nothing that filled me
with peace when I righted things on my own.
I held people at arms’ length; trust was an issue.
Uncertainty
was the reigning theme of my life. I didn’t
know what was right and what was wrong, and I was fearful of the future. Adrift in the darkness, and without a focal
point to steady me, I fell frequently.
It
was no way to live.
Rebellion
is a potent drug – it makes us feel special to know that we’re living on the edge
of the norm. Toeing the line and
crossing it feel normal after a while. Eventually you feel as if nothing can touch
you and nobody can see you. It becomes true. Few people can spot a rebel because a rebel
spends a lot of time hiding behind a façade.
A rebel sneaks around, thinking she is without limits or boundaries, but
she creates her own walls by trying to hide.
This is how my life looked when I rebelled against God.
I
wish I could say that the moment I stepped out in faith, the instant I accepted
the gift of Jesus’ salvation, that the switch clicked off and flushed all of
these awful feelings away. It didn’t;
established patterns of behavior are hard to divert. It takes work and maturity and determination
to change the way we live. That my
current way of life wasn’t working so well made it easier. Major life changes that happened during that
time were natural new beginnings, too – a good time to make changes in life and
heart.
When
I opened my eyes and saw that life could be different – better –
when I accepted God’s will, I moved forward.
No longer was I glancing over my shoulder to see what lie I might get
caught in, scrambling to shore up another part of the crumbling wall I had
shoddily built. I became certain that as
long as I kept my eyes on him, I could live out in the open, even despite my
faults. When I realized that I could
acknowledge them and ask for forgiveness for my wrongdoings, I could move on,
even more determined to do better, to live more honorably.
When
we expose our truths to each other, ourselves, and God, we heal and become whole. We shed our self-made uncertainties and fears
and reach toward a new way of life, one that we can freely enjoy.
When we accept
Jesus’ gift of salvation, we each become who God intended us to be. It starts with having faith that God wants what's best for us. We will know what to do. He will show us when we believe.
Of
this I am certain.
*******
OH how I love your honest transparency, Andrea. You speak my heart. You speak SO many people's hearts... As much of what you share resonates so deeply in me. Thank you for offering your story and your beautiful insight here. Sharing this for others to be encouraged and inspired.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kindness, Chris. I imagine so much that I am alone, and the validation that others feel the way I do is a relief. xo
DeleteOh, wow. This grabbed me as such a great post for explaining why a relationship with God makes all the difference in the world. Our thinking becomes more eternal, our endurance and commitment stronger. I am posting, tweeting, and pinning this. Most excellent! Just love this! Love how honest you were about the time of transformation. It isn't instant, but it's the beginning of tremendous hope, joy, and peace in all circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Bonnie! It really did make a difference in my life. I was a huge skeptic about God before. I can now see how lost I was then.
Deletegood stuff... :-)
ReplyDelete