My kids are both in middle school, and you know
what that means.
Bring the drama.
Neither of them are drama queens – well, except
when they get a scratch or bump their elbows or don’t want to do chores. I can handle that. “You’re not bleeding that much. You’re okay.”
“Can you bend your arm? You’re
fine.” “Do it, or else.”
It’s the relationship drama that is hard. The friendship drama. The drama that comes when children have feeeeelings, and those feelings get in
the way of interacting peacefully with others.
The jealousy.
The meanness. The
insecurity. The alienation. The misunderstanding.
It’s hard. Even though there haven't been many yet, it’s hard to hear the stories, because they were mine at one time. I remember thinking: my friend said this. My friend did that. My friend passed me in the hall and didn’t
say hi. My friend sat with someone else
at lunch. I remember the feelings of
despair, of worry, of fear. What is
happening? I don’t want to lose this friendship. What if nobody likes me?
As a modern parent my children share their troubles with me. I have created these people who
come to me for answers, and I can’t bring myself to dismiss them. I know the hurts and the confusion. I cannot just say You’re on your own, Drama
Mama, a line my daughter picked up from TV when she was five. If my children come to me with their drama, I
want to fix it. I want to change
it. I want to take care of it. I want to share my knowledge, tell them how
to handle it. After all, it’s easy from
my side. Most of the time, their drama isn’t
drama at all. It’s just something for
them to talk about. They are learning
how to distinguish between right and wrong.
They are figuring out that people are different from them in their
beliefs and behaviors. They are learning
peace-making, how to explain themselves, how to communicate better. They are finding their spot in the
world. If I tell them what to do, where
to stand, and how to say everything, then how much of their handling of life is
me, and how much is them? I want each of
them to be able to make good decisions without my input.
Romans 12:18 is one of my favorite Bible verses: If
it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone. Short, easy to remember, simple message. Live in peace with everyone, as much as you
can. Of course, life is messier than
this implies. This line doesn’t give you
instructions about what to do if a friend wrongs you. Nor does it tell you how to correct things if
you wrong someone unintentionally (or, in the case of my middle schoolers
sometimes, intentionally. I never said
my kids were always unwitting participants in any sort of drama).
We can ask for help, but ultimately we have to figure
it out for ourselves. Life is a swinging
pendulum of elation and despair, hopeful beginnings and abrupt endings, encouraging
words and harsh dismissals. Through it
all, we have to deal.
I pray that God will back me up on teaching my kids
how to deal with their drama. He knows my children way
better than I ever will, and I am thankful that they are in his hands. I can encourage them to keep bringing their
troubles to me, and I can teach them what I know, but they are different from
me. They need to know that I don’t
always have all the answers, but God does.
I am grateful that I can teach them this, that they can pray for
guidance, for the right words to say, and for peace in their hearts when they
go through the drama.
During middle school, for sure, but also for the
rest of their lives.
*******
I'm right there with you, Andrea, as the parent of an 8th grader. When she comes home hurt and sad, I struggle. I want so badly to fix every problem but I know that is not possible. I can listen and advise, but I know that she must learn to solve her own interpersonal problems. That's not saying that I have never interfered in her business; I have, but I usually regret it.
ReplyDeleteI like the verse you quote. I like the part, "...as far as it depends on you," because it reminds us that we can't control how other people act. You can be the most easygoing person in the world and some people will have issues with you. That's just life, unfortunately.
Thanks so much, Cary. It's a hard lesson for us, to hold back from fixing all their problems, isn't it? We go from wiping noses to watching them navigate the complexities of life on their own in the blink of an eye.
DeleteThe part of the verse you quoted is my favorite part of it, too. It reminds me that I have an out - that I am not responsible for anyone but myself. Makes life much simpler.