I
can’t help but look back.
Back
to childhood and warm memories of holidays past, loved ones now gone, new love
between my husband and me, our children as babies. The earliest days seem so long ago, yet I
remember them easily. Maybe that’s why our grandparents repeated their oldest
stories – they are the ones best preserved because they are remembered for the
longest amount of time. Their grooves
are the deepest in our brains, and the positives are highlighted. We dwell on those times; past moments stretch
into luxuriously long periods that we can roll around in our minds as long as
we let them.
As
young people, we’re challenged to look ahead.
“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” high school counselors demanded. “Five years?” asked college advisors. I was never great at forecasting – those
questions left me cold, filled me with dread.
I only saw clouds on the horizon.
The
pressure of those questions conjured up visions of a slog through uncertainty. I imagined that if you couldn’t clearly see
your future, it probably won’t be a very good one. It’s easier to look back, to see where we’ve
come instead of where we’re going. Hindsight
is dependable. The future is murky.
Little
did I know then that the future would hum along; time moves on at warp
speed. It goes too fast, and there are bumps
in the road. They derail me. I’d like to say I take them in stride,
navigate them with grace and dignity.
But I don’t. Not always. Not even very often.
Stop
the world, I want to get off. This quote
sticks. It has become my mantra. It’s no more than a complaint, a whine that accompanies
the roiling chaos. I want to retreat and
come back when things slow down. I don’t
want to deal. I’m tired of dealing.
The
childishness and impossibility and sheer laziness of this reaction is
humbling. My character is exposed, and
it’s embarrassing. I am reminded of the
younger version of me who felt the same way when asked about the future. Have I really not changed since then? Am I still grumbling about my own discomfort
and uncertainty?
Have
I learned nothing of God and what the future holds?
My
desire for ease has obscured the truth. God
has something to teach me about his ways.
My way is comfort and ease – smooth sailing, wistfully remembering the
best parts of the past and ignoring the future.
But focusing on those times doesn’t teach anything. God gifted me those times and I cling to them
instead of him. The resulting teaching,
honing, pruning – it hurts.
Cling
to me, he whispers. I am the way, the
truth, and the life. I am the vine; you
are the branches. Follow me; I know the
way.
I
have to focus. I have
to look up and out. I have to follow God’s direction, found in
his word and in my heart and in the patterns of his work in my life. It’s the only way to find the peace. I have to deal with it.
When
I dwell on who’s in charge here, the future becomes clear, and so much better
than the best moments of the past.
*******
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice,
and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my
Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and
you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John
16:22-24
Do good to your servant according to your word, Lord. Teach me knowledge and good judgment, for I trust your commands. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word. You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees. Psalm
119:65-68
Beautiful thoughts. And I especially appreciated seeing Psalm 119:65-68. God is good, and what He does is good! Thank you, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Janet. I sat on this post for a long time. Should I reveal the weakest parts of my character so openly? It's encouraging to hear a positive response!
DeleteAh... this is good. So good. Funny thing... I almost feel the opposite about my past versus my future. Isn't that interesting? My past has haunted me and fought hard to conquer my future... but God has surely been victorious in the fight! I seldom think about my past in wishful ways... I don't really reach for the future either. I don't fear it, or dread it, or feel the need to deal with it... at this moment, anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt's the present that I must invest in, deal with...find God's direction in each day I struggle with specific doubts and demons... ya know? Do I make sense at all? Not sure... lol
I think I will spend the rest of my life cleansing my past and renewing His Grace and restoring His Peace in me every day... so that my "joy will be complete."
For sure there are parts of my past that haunt me. I am not totally free from it. Investing in the present is our toughest work, though. Being in the moment and living authentically for God - that's something all of us slog through from time to time.
DeleteYou make perfect sense to me. I think we are very much alike. :)