One
of the hardest things for kids to learn is how to be a friend. Somewhere around twelve or thirteen we begin
to run our own social lives – long gone are playdates and mommies arranging social
time. These days my kids tell me what’s happening
and can I go and these people will be there and it starts at this time and I
don’t know when it’s over, I’ll text or call.
And
then they’re gone and I pray that they remember their manners and that all
their behavior decisions are the right ones.
In
any relationship, bumps and bends in the road can be difficult to
navigate. Adolescents don’t yet understand the nuances
that are key to effective communication; they still largely operate from a “me
first” position. Clashing is
common. Throw in all the feelings just
under the surface and friendships run high and flame out frequently.
This
is where I have found the most difficult work as a parent. Allowing my kids the space to grow means sometimes
holding back from swooping in and taking charge when they do and say the wrong
thing. Waiting in the wings while they fumble
around interpersonally or waiting to be asked for help is so much harder than
just taking charge. It’s hard to deny
myself the very thing that I have been training to do their whole lives. Letting them grow means I also have to grow.
Sometimes
my kids mess up and suffer so much that I do interfere. When they’re in the middle of a mess like
this, I have to know when to step in carefully.
Guiding them to clean up their own messes – not doing it for them – is tough
when frustration spills over in the form of tears and emotional pain. It’s really tough when I can see the edges of
the mess they haven’t quite cleaned up completely.
Doing
everything for my kids isn’t my role anymore.
By the time they are twelve, I have spent every waking hour teaching and
modeling and instructing. But I can’t be them.
They have to be themselves.
Living
in peace with everyone is what we are instructed to do as Christians. We can each do our part in relationships and
interactions with others to facilitate peace.
We all have the choice to retaliate or live in peace, to hate or to love.
When
we choose peace, we build ourselves and others up. One thing that sits in the back of my mind
when I choose to fight is this: why am I ruining my reputation just to appear
tough? Being hateful is not strong. It is letting the other person have control. When someone is ugly to me, and I respond
with ugliness, I just willingly entered into the ugly game. That person threw the first pitch and I threw
it right back. I agreed to be ugly; I
allowed that person to dictate who I would be today.
When
we choose conflict, we choose negative over positive, hate over love, breaking
down others and over time, our own character.
A good character that only chooses bad responses will eventually become
a bad character.
This
is what we teach our kids. They may not
have control over what a person does to them, but they sure have control over
how they respond. At twelve, they enjoy
the freedom of choosing how to act in a way that reveals their character and
makes them feel good about themselves and others. They learn that God will take care of those
who are horrible to us; it might not be fun in the meantime, but God always has
our backs. He will take care of us; his
power is stronger than anyone else’s.
When Mom can’t (or won’t) swoop in, he will in ways that make us
stronger.
When
God is the focus, relationships become stronger. God can turn a friendship around. When we don’t know what to do, he can teach
us how to behave and what to say. He can
turn hate into love.
I
am grateful for God’s lessons on friendship.
Nothing I try to teach my kids comes close to what he can teach all of
us.
*******
Thank you for this. Powerful thoughts! I'm taking notes.
ReplyDeleteThanks, and you're welcome! Sticking to my own wisdom is hard sometimes. Easy to think about; hard to act upon.
DeleteThank you for this, Andrea. As I was reading your wisdom and insights on this topic, I immediately started thinking about and preparing for the upcoming holiday with family. I need to remember this:
ReplyDelete"When someone is ugly to me, and I respond with ugliness, I just willingly entered into the ugly game. That person threw the first pitch and I threw it right back. I agreed to be ugly; I allowed that person to dictate who I would be today."
That's the hardest thing to do, especially if you're a fighter. It's easier for me to walk away than snap back, but the feelings linger and destroy just as much as entering into a conflict with anger.
DeleteDefinitely hard for children to learn... and sometimes hard for adults to remember when dealing with others... but definitely something that we should all strive for in our relationships.
ReplyDeleteTeaching kids to learn how to be a good friend is by far the hardest thing for me as a parent. There are no rules, and not many kids get the same lessons.
DeleteThis is so wise, and encouraging to me. It's been exhausting to me and angst-ridden the past few weeks in particular, this whole process of releasing and accepting that they have to navigate relationships themselves. (Read...first girlfriend interaction is causing mother-heart-palpitations). And the letting go, and hoping they are "good"....aggghhhh. But you've articulated this all so well... And THIS....
ReplyDelete"Being hateful is not strong. It is letting the other person have control. When someone is ugly to me, and I respond with ugliness, I just willingly entered into the ugly game. That person threw the first pitch and I threw it right back. I agreed to be ugly; I allowed that person to dictate who I would be today."
Totally going to be passing that nugget of wisdom along to them!! Thanks!!
I'm glad you can use it with them! Rising above conflict - while dealing with it - is so difficult for all of us, but especially when our children are experiencing it. I want to wear my supermom cape and take care of everything for them, but I can't.
DeleteWe parents can have all the words, but it's by action that we teach. I have a feeling you've given the example you set out to teach, Andrea. Beautiful piece, and it encapsulates the struggle we have as our kids get older.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I'm far from a perfect example, but I think know what to do. Putting it into action is always hard - the struggle is real. :)
Delete💗💗💗
ReplyDelete