In
the middle of the night, when I sometimes wake for the bathroom, a drink of
water, a sudden noise, a change in temperature, or for no reason whatsoever, my
mind wanders.
It
lands on all the things that plague me, the little doubts and worries that pick
and poke at me during daylight hours but that are normally dissipated by strong reason and rationalization, confidence and assuredness. When I have all
my faculties, and I can clearly choose not to sweat the small things.
It
could be a financial concern, a strained relationship, something I said that
might be construed as offensive, something coming up that I am not ready to
face, all the work I need to do the next day – these are the things that I
think of late at night when my mind is open and vulnerable.
Years
ago these things would keep me up all night. I would stew and worry and think
and think and think – all to no avail. Nothing can be done in the wee hours, no
solution carried out while the world is sleeping. The idea that nothing could
be done right then would be added to my list of worries.
It's not like that so much anymore. Though these thoughts still spring to mind upon waking, I have grown enough to be able to banish these thoughts more readily.
I
realize that Satan parades these things across my mind when I am weak and prone
to attack. He preys when I am weak – chooses the parts of me that are exposed –
to strike at first.
The realization makes me angry – how dare he do this? I have done nothing to
deserve his attacks. I am not in a war here. Why doesn’t he pick on a terrible
person, someone who brazenly lives with no shame or fear or conscience, someone
who is more easily destroyed because of the choices he or she makes? I’m just
living my life, making errors like everyone else – I am not so special.
But
I am special. I am God’s child. I am a warrior, even when on my back, groggy
and soft and at my most vulnerable.
Satan
has picked off the weak already. They are of no concern to him, and easy prey.
He will fight viciously for my soul, battling it out in my room – in my mind – in
the middle of the night. He relishes the fight, because he knows I am hard-won. If he can get to me, he
has won a mighty victory.
In
those moments soon after Satan tries to assume power over my mind, I fight
back. Not with fists or weapons, but with prayer. I turn from plaguing thoughts
and pray to God to take them. I tag in God by throwing at him the cares and concerns
that the devil tries to burden me with, and ask him for my next move. And just
like that, I am protected.
In
the middle of the night, when I am weak, I can still fight. I can summon the
name of God and thank him for all he has done. Satan
has no power when compared to the power that God wields in my life. God fights
for me, alongside me, before me, and after me – I believe this wholeheartedly.
When I eventually fall asleep after Satan's attack, my last thought is on God’s goodness. My faith is strengthened for another day; this particular battle has been won.
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