I haven’t written anything in a while – just this morning I was counting the months since I published my last regular blog post, which is silly to say because my blog hasn't had a regular publishing schedule for some time. I already wrote a blog post this year about taking time off from writing. That time it was one month since I had written last. This time it has been about four months.
Four. Four months of life, of hurts and joys, of stuff like weddings and vacations and mission trips and middle school graduation and good conversations and eating and drinking and hanging out with friends and family and appointments and sports practices and games and tournaments and cleaning the house and folding laundry and buying groceries and toilet paper and all that regular jazz that everybody does but isn’t really worth mentioning except to the people that know you best.
Four months is a long time, a suitcase full of experiences. It’s also a blink, a whisper that you think you heard but aren’t sure.
It’s enough time to wonder if you have it in you to share what’s been happening. So much has happened, and yet nothing extraordinary really has.
I have kept myself, my family, my life off the blog during this time for various reasons, the biggest of which is that life keeps changing and rolling so fast that I don’t have time to catch everyone up. Kids are growing and thus more their own selves and less mine, and family life has become more precious than ever. Time is flying by and I haven’t taken the time to share any of it for four months, and it has become harder to start up again.
I am by nature a pretty guarded person. I don’t share easily, don’t make friends quickly, don’t ask questions or reveal much. I have been vulnerable before, and have come away embarrassed, hurt, and full of regret after a tell-all session that replays in my head until well after it I think it should. I advise everyone – kids, friends – that “not everyone thinks about you as much as you think about you” – and have yet to fully adopt this advice. It gets worse when I’m out of the practice of sharing.
I feel like many of us are like this. Don’t we sort of guard our hearts and what we really think from others, to keep and preserve that which is most easily injured? The more time that passes, the harder it is to open up again. This extends into every area of life, every relationship. It’s unhealthy to keep things bottled up. I feel this acutely, especially during this time of radio (blog) silence.
In these few months I have been reminded regularly how wonderful a Counselor we have in Jesus. When life gets too much, too fast, too extra, I have come to him with it all: my sorrows and fears, worries and complaints – and he soothes my soul.
Perhaps the best thing worth mentioning about the past four months is that Jesus has been there for me – and I have really clung to him. With Jesus, I don’t have to guard my heart or what I think. He knows my life and who I am, and there is nothing more comforting than to know that I am known and loved throughout this whirlwind of time. When I am busy doing and running and living, but keeping it all inside, he is watching and helping and guiding. He is my refuge, and his example led me to share this with all of you.
Your presence in my life is miraculous, evident, and welcomed.
Help me to seek you first during times of busy-ness, quietness and uncertainty;
ease my mind of the troubles of the day.
Thank you, Amen.